Ask HN: I don't want to do this depression cycle anymore
5 by throwidkwhatdo | 5 comments on Hacker News.
I started a new job towards the end of 2020. It's in a part of software engineering that I love. I'm very lucky to be able to work with incredibly smart people, and improve myself and my skills. But I'm not happy. I've been in a depressed slump for months at this point, and I can't get out of it. I'm on medication, seeing a therapist, and otherwise doing everything "right." But things aren't improving. I've noticed that I go through a cycle of being hyperproductive, being able to hammer out high-quality things at work, and then turning around and doing the same in personal projects, only to "crash" months later into suicidal depression, where it feels like the antidepressants and other psych meds are doing nothing. When I'm "up" I love my personal and professional work, I can easily spend weeks hammering out code non-stop, and so on. But when I'm "down," I can barely get out of bed before noon. At this point, I'm stuck really far down inside of the suicidal-depresson stage, and I don't know how to pull myself out. Since I'm in America, I can't just go get committed for a while, because I've done that it before and it was one of the most traumatic things I've ever gone through. I plan to call my doctor ASAP to get my meds adjusted and see if I can make any other changes to improve things. But it all feels so hopeless. I feel incredibly guilty, because this is affecting my output at work. I can't keep staying in bed hopelessly until past noon, and I need the job to be able to keep myself and my partner afloat. I have some savings, but not enough to take a year to myself. I don't know how it'll go over if I ask for a month or so off at work, so I'm hesitant to ask. What do I do? How do I help myself?